


This hate of mine

by Nachtstrasse



Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Anxiety, Comfort/Angst, Depression, Drug Abuse, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Self-Hatred, Sexual Content, Social Anxiety, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-06 14:22:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5420357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nachtstrasse/pseuds/Nachtstrasse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Josh hates himself so much… But in a way he hates Chris too. Because he loves Josh, showing him a way of affection, he just doesn’t deserve…</p>
            </blockquote>





	This hate of mine

**Author's Note:**

> The following oneshot is the result of a confession on tumblr while I announced the offer to sin with me about climbing class. And the idea sounded that good that I wanted to write that down.
> 
> This oneshot is dedicated to @piercethefade on tumblr, since this was her idea. Thank you very much for the offer, writing about this, because it was not just another story idea, it was a challenge, since it was completely new for me.
> 
> Usually I don’t write in Joshs perspective, because this kid is too dark inside for me, but I hope I’ve done it well… So enjoy this oneshot and leave a comment or Kudos if you liked it. :)

He sat down here for almost half an hour. His appointment was set to 2.45 pm, it was already 3.00 pm. His visits at Dr. Hill were exhausting, almost because he couldn't talk to him in a direct way. There was always a feeling of being a victim. The questions of his psycho-therapist felt weird, as he wasn't just interested in helping him. Josh didn't tell him he wasn't taking his pills like Dr. Hill decreed them. He took double dosage, medicated by himself. Sniffing the ground powder of them was the real deal. Josh didn't feel so much alive within the last few years, even if the symptoms got worse. It felt sedating and that was the only reason why he was taking them.

"Mister Washington?", he heard the voice from his therapist and stood up. He took place on the couch within the office, while Dr. Hill sat down across him. In his face Josh saw one of those looks he didn't like. He begged inside himself for staying calm, too often he was overwhelmed by aggravation, sadness and the pure feeling of a depression within the last weeks. Josh kneaded his hands in his lap, didn't know how everything would start, until Dr. Hill took advantage of the chat.

"So, hows it going Mister Washington?", he asked first.  
"Good! I don't know what to tell you. Everything works fine." He was hoping he could shorten the conversation he never was fond of. But it didn't work.  
"What about the medication? Is it still working? What about the side-effects you told me about last time?" His voice was skeptical.  
"They're gone.", Josh just said and tried another way to avoid further questions like this.  
"Wouldn't you make another kind of psychic-test this time?" The time always ran fast while he was doing such tests, but Dr. Hill shook his head.  
"Not this time. Let's talk about the last two weeks. What have you done? Anything social?" Josh hated such kinda questions. His social phobia was one of the things why he did the medication beside of his anxiety, to turn down his sensitivity. If he walked through a crowd of people he just wanted to run away. Every kind of noises were terrible for him. Chris and him once had a sleepover he couldn't sleep because of Chris' snoring, even if it wasn't really loud. He had the feeling like his natural filter was damaged. While normal people could deal with it, these things driven Josh mad!  
"I was with my friends, family. Talked to Sam quite a while and had a sleepover with my best friend." It seemed Dr. Hill was at least a bit satisfied with Joshs answer but he didn't stop.  
"Anything else? Last time you told me you would ask somebody out you really like. Is it that girl you were talking about?" Fuck! What was he talking about? He should have known it was a bad idea to tell lies to Dr. Hill about a date which he would never have. Josh shook his head.  
"No!", he just said.

Joshs feelings got tense, the more questions the therapist asked, the merrier stressed he was.  
"Why don't I get rid of the feeling that you're lying to me Josh?", he asked. Josh kneaded his hands again, sneaking at the clock. His own built walls weren't far from a collapse. His acting was proof enough for Dr. Hill and he nodded.  
"You know... If you don't speak with me and prefer to lie, I think I can't help you anymore.", he said. Josh closed his eyes for a second, looking at him while clenching his teeth. His inner walls were good but not for that kind of pressure. - He was talking shit to Dr. Hill and as always, this would lead to the point it always did if he was in therapy: The therapist would quit with him and he had to find another one. Just because he promised he would do a therapy, he was in this situation. He couldn't talk to strangers, not even his therapist. The only person he trusted was Chris, who he actually had a relationship with, but he didn't tell anyone.

The timer beeped and Dr. Hill was looking at Josh, taking a deep breath.  
"Okay Joshua. I think we're done for today. Just think about what I said until our next appointment, okay?", he said and Josh nodded, happy that this thing was over. He stood up, walking over to the door as Dr. Hill followed him. Before he could leave, Dr. Hill laid a hand on his shoulder and Josh shivered deep down inside. Besides crowds and social interactions it was the touch of anybody else than Chris he absolutely hated.  
"You'll get this, I'm sure about that!", Dr. Hill said, letting him leave and he literally took flight, out of the doctors office. He had to drive with the underground, what he didn't like but as he looked on his watch, he breathed deep in relieve. Beside the rushhour it wasn't that full in the train, so he was hoping to get a seat, but if not, that wasn't a problem at all.

While standing in the train he was thinking about his relationship to Chris. He was the best what happened to Joshs entire life, even if he was asking himself, with what he deserved him. Josh didn't think he was ugly, not brave enough or else - Frankly said, he hated himself. After he lost his sisters last year, Chris confessed to himself and he slided into this relationship with him, which was kinda distracting from everything else and it had the side-effect he could be together with his best friend. Chris was the one and only person he was trusting in, who could touch him without wincing, they even had sex. But everytime if they had, Josh asked himself: Why? - Why did Chris even had an interest in him? Why did he even wanted to share time with him? He praised him, confessed his love for him over and over while they had sex and Josh just couldn't believe it. The worst part of all of this was, that he knew Chris was the most sincere person he had ever known. It wasn't a question, that he didn't love Chris back.

He loved him so much.  
He loved it, how he looked as he woke up just seconds ago.  
He loved it, how he was stumbling over his own feet sometimes.  
He loved it, how he adjusted his glasses, if they slipped to far from his eyes.  
He loved it, if he was sitting on the couch, deeply sunken in his book to fall in a doze.  
He loved the touch of his, like he brushed over his skin with his fingertips.  
He loved the patience he had with everything, belonging to Josh.  
He loved how caring he was if they had sex.  
He loved how he praised him while laying below him, feeling his intimate embrace.

But he hated everything about it so much too, because Josh didn't deserve him.

On days like this it was just hard for Josh not to freak out. Sometimes he came home after his therapy sessions and bestired Chris to have sex with him, he almost forced him to do so, just to forget everything beside, but he couldn't enjoy it, because Chris was that nice, softly and gently with him, praising him with every move that he hated everything about it. But nevertheless, sex was one of those things, he used to feel himself, feeling loved, even if he was convinced about that he didn't deserve it.

Sometimes it would have been better, if Chris would subdue or insult him... It would have been easier for Josh to believe it.

As Josh entered the apartment Chris and him were living in, he was searching for him with his eyes.  
"Chris?", he asked, but too silent, so even if Chris was near, he wouldn't have heard it. Josh took off his jacket, leaving it on the box below the key-holder. He passed Chris' working room. No familiar clacking sounds of him, sitting at his computer, even the kitchen was empty. So he must have been in their sleeping room or the bathroom, but he had to walk through their sleepingroom to get into the bathroom. The sleepingroom was empty too. Then he noticed a splashy sound, coming out of the bathroom and he went over to the door. Seeing Chris laying in the filled, steaming hot bathtub, completely abscent and relaxed made Josh just feeling more and more guilty. He was so wonderful... Why did he even liked Josh?  
"Josh? Oh, you're back!", Chris said as he realized he was home.  
"Come on, slip in, I'm not that long in here, the water is still hot."  
"I'm not really in the mood for a bath, Cochise." But Chris didn't give in.  
"It must be freezing cold outside, you could use a little warm-up, don't you?" His smile was too nice, Josh couldn't refuse his offer. He hasty freed himself of his clothes and slipped into the bathtub.

"So, how was your appointment?", Chris asked him while he leaned back against Chris' chest, sitting between his legs. Josh didn't answer him first as he dived a sponge into the water, splashing it over Joshs torso, again and again. The brush over his shoulders felt relaxing, even if he was feeling stiff and not well.  
"Exhausting!", he replied. Chris leaned his mouth against his ear, laying the sponge beside and reaching for Joshs hand. He listened to him, so Josh cooked up a story, even if it wasn't real. He wanted Chris to feel good, because if he wasn't, he would stick him into the bed to sleep and this was exactly, he wanted to avoid.  
"But he said, I'm doing some progress." Chris spreaded Joshs hand, laying his own palm on Joshs, looking like he wanted to compare the size of Joshs hand with his own. It was one of Chris' things he did, just to comfort him, giving him security... It was one of those things he hated deep down inside...  
"That sounds great.", Chris responsed, giving Josh a kiss on his neck. They didn't talk that much afterwards. Chris just told him how his day was and as the water was getting colder, they left the bathtub.  
"Oh dear, here let me help you!", Chris said lovingly as he saw Josh was just half-hearted while drying himself with the towel. He rubbed over his back, then Josh turned around, Chris gently dried his hair and he smiled as Josh was looking at him. Then he stopped and leaned forward to kiss Josh on his lips, softly while cupping his chin, brushing over Joshs cheeks. Josh touched Chris at his arm and he parted from him. His eyes twitched and his heart felt like it wanted to burst out of his chest. They made eye-contact, both with opened lips and Josh whispered:  
"Do me Chris... Please!" His voice was pleading, longing, hoping Chris would just do what he was begging for.  
"You really sure you're not too exhausted for this?", he asked and Josh shook his head, stretching himself to pull Chris into another kiss. As he stopped, Chris took a deep breath, but before he could reply something, Josh demanded:  
"I want to feel you inside of me!" Chris lifted his eyebrows. Okay, sometimes he forced him to have sex with him, but not that offensive.

They changed to the sleeping room and Josh laid himself backwards on the bed and Chris joined him on all fours, leaning himself over Josh. He shook his head but smiled at him.  
"You're so adorable Josh..." Then he kissed him while brushing over Joshs chest with his fingertips what made Josh shivering. After that he lowered his head, kissing a trail from his neck to his chest, planting one kiss after another on his skin. Josh felt the tickling hair of his boyfriend on him, while watching every move. Chris' hands slid over Joshs sides, brushed over his hips and he leaned into another kiss after he reached up for Joshs lips.  
"I'm so lucky, you know that?", he asked with a charming voice, but Josh didn't reply. Honestly, he just wanted to get fucked, but he knew Chris wouldn't do that so easily because he loved him and didn't want to force everything out. Even if Josh didn't reply, Chris went on with his praising and loving act, moving his lips down to Joshs groin, placing further kisses on some well selected points. As he skipped Joshs private parts, the brunette wanted to freak out, stretching his back and spreaded his legs.  
"Why can't you just fuck me the way I am? Why do you have to make these shit all around?", Josh pleaded with a chocked voice. Instead of answering he kissed Joshs inner tights.  
"Because you deserve a good treatment, Joshua!", he replied then, before leaving his hot breath on Joshs dick, what made him moan. Chris sneaked up to Joshs face before he licked over his full length, from the base to the tip. Josh opened his mouth and released an almost sobbing sound. He didn't deserve all of this and Chris was so wrong...  
"I need you so much, Josh...", Chris whispered, before he took him into his mouth, slightly sucking on him, going along with a slow movement. Josh narrowed his eyes, bit his lips and moaned in need. A few movements later Chris released him, kissing his way up to Joshs chest again. As he was over him, Josh reached up to kiss Chris on his lips, while laying his hands on Chris' cheeks. He needed him so much, but he knew he didn't deserve all of this pampering. He didn't deserve Chris' love for him. Not even a single bit of it.

As Chris reached out for the drawer of the nightstand, Josh was following him with his eyes, but as he took out the bottle of lube, Josh grabbed his wrist and shook his head.  
"No!", he said, but Chris refused, freeing his hand.  
"No Josh, I won't do it like that! I won't hurt you on purpose by not preparing you!" Josh expression was desperate. Couldn't Chris let him just this little kind of pain? He tried to reach the bottle to throw it away, but Chris held the bottle up, looking down on him.  
"This is pointless Josh. If you do that, I've got some other ways, you know that!", he said and Josh remembered once as he hid the bottle on purpose, but Chris used his spit instead to make things easier. It was hopeless, so he laid his hands back on the matress.  
"I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...", Josh apologized, feeling a lump rising in his throat. Chris leaned down on him, stroking through his hair, placing his forehead on Joshs and sighed.  
"You're so filled with grief, Josh... I just want to make you happy. You deserve this so much!"  
"I'm not!", he said.  
"You do! If somebody then it's you!", Chris said, brushing gently over his cheek.  
"Would you please sleep with me now?", Josh asked willingly, because with bad words there was no forthcoming. It never was...

Chris gave him a slight smile and sat up, grabbing the lube. A few drops were enough to prepare both of them. Then he placed himself between Josh's legs, while Josh pulled them up a bit to ease things up. Chris tried to make eye-contact, but Josh avoided it constantly, he didn't want to look in Chris' eyes if he would slip into him.  
"Josh... Look at me!", Chris said with a soft tone in his voice, but Josh didn't and as he did, Chris realized, he was looking through him, just to please him, giving him his eye-contact.

It always felt a little uncomfortable as Chris entered him and Josh cramped up on purpose because then the feeling intensified, but it was smoothened up by Chris, because he was holding on as he noticed Joshs serious attempt to make things worse.  
"Don't Josh... Please... Just relax...", he said, having a hard time to control everything. But he was patient and once Josh released, he slipped deeper. Josh could see the enjoyment on Chris face, being inside of him and Chris set up a faintly smile, while gasping for air.  
"Oh god, I love you so much, Joshua.", he wheezed, falling into a slow movement, while grabbing Joshs tight, pulling him closer. Again he tried to make eye-contact, but Josh kept his eyes closed, but his slight opened lips showed Chris that he was enjoying it too. Once in a while Chris slowed down his movement a little, just to cover Joshs neck with kisses, before he got faster again. Meanwhile Josh felt the lump in his throat got bigger, but he tried to hold his tears back. Everything was so overwhelming for him, listening to Chris' words, feeling his encouraging touch...  
"This feels so good... don't wanna be without you anymore...", Chris blurted out yearningly, comforting Josh by stroking over his sides, down to his hips. The tense Josh felt in his whole body overstrained him and as Chris hit this sweet spot inside of him, he held back another moan but couldn't avoid it to break out in tears. Everything of this was so wrong and while Chris moved further on, he was weeping:  
"I don't deserve all of this, Chris... I... I don't..." But Chris went on by encouraging him and praising him:  
"You do my love... you do...", he replied, his voice getting raspy.  
"I hate you so much!", Josh said, followed by a desperate sounding wail.  
"I love you Josh... I love you so much!", Chris responsed faintly and before Josh could insist, he closed his mouth with another kiss. Even if Chris' effort was eager, he couldn't stop Josh from crying.

One last time Chris parted from Josh, hiding his face in the crook of his neck, whispering:  
"Come for me Josh... Come with me..." Josh just waited or this request, since Chris brushed over his sweet spot inside continuously for the last few seconds. He bit his lips and narrowed his eyes, clinging on Chris' back and his toes curled up by the sweet feeling reaching his climax. He felt the few last thrusts of Chris' hips, being unsteady and a little out of control, but then Chris was looking at him, making this comforting eye-contact which Josh didn't expect within this moment. He felt a strange kind of warmth spreading inside of his chest, as Chris leaned forward to his mouth, kissing him passionately and Josh looped his legs around Chris' hips, pulling him closer to him.

For a moment he felt good, feeling deserving all of this... But Josh knew he would feel like a piece of shit the other day, at least he was asking himself, why someone like Chris had even an interest in him? Knowing that Chris knew how Josh felt and that he was putting on a show made things worse. Because Chris never slept with him because he wanted it himself. It was just, because Josh pleaded him to. He knew, Chris was aware of his lies, that he was talking shit from time to time. But he still was with him. Chris loved him - Honestly! Even if Josh hated him so much because of this, he had to admit, that he loved him back... And his love for him was even bigger than his hate or the hate for himself.


End file.
